So it's the new year, blah blah Happy New Year and stuff. I never really had a thing for the new year, was never really a biggie for me. Resolutions break, nights pass, the night before is the same as any other night, et cetra et cetra.

So uh.

I suppose I as a person have improved a bit from my last journal. Which is good. I've been told by people who know me in the long run that I seem notably more obnoxious and less moody. Which checks in to how I was back in Freshman year when I started DA. Yay me!

And uhm.

I don't quite know what else to put, it just seemed like a good idea to make a new journal for the new year like I see in my inbox flood...

Don't really feel like there's anything for me to say. Or do.

So ah...

Stay sharp, people!






...

Oh yeah, that's what I wanted to say. Duh.

Okay uhm so how do I start this.
2009. Wow what a year. Well. 2008 and 2009 together. I figure I may as well put them in order since both years have had a bit of impact on my life.

In 2008, what seemed like a regular ol' year turned out to be really influential to me because I began to discover a bit about myself. I don't think there's really any secret here that I'm bisexual, at least - I mean, look at Kit's previous design. Look at that and then look me in the eye and tell me I was straight. _{And now you know 20% of the reason for the current redesign, but I digress.}

So yeah, the whole sexuality thing? Kinda got on my nerves I suppose, since discovery was made by the presence of affection, which grew to become full blown love. Shit happens, though, and the resulting relationship wasn't meant to last, as currently myself and that person won't touch one another with a 50 foot pole. We're still friends though so I can count my lucky stars for that.

But I turned into a moody l'il shit when the whole love thing happened and I know a lot of my friends can attest I became an entirely different person. From my point of view, I thought they were utterly nuts. But they were right, which, unfortunately for me, meant that I had to change. Because how I was then wasn't at all healthy - demanding, angry, mean, argumentative, and I think I've run a couple friends into the ground when they weren't at all agreeable to me. Not pretty.

My last journal, the venting one? That's a result of a combination of pre-dA stuff (I'd rather not get into it, but take my honest word for it that it messed me up as much as an unstable household can mess you up) as well as the more current '08-'09 stuff that piled up on my shoulders. I treated people badly while being a moody little asswipe, and lost friends. Love's like a drug, and when you don't get your regular dose, holy shit stay back she's gonna blow.

Summer of '09 came with the breakup of a second relationship that, in retrospect, wouldn't and couldn't last. So that impacted me and my mood and my already incredibly sour disposition. I'm pretty sure that if a friend hadn't told me, straight to my face exactly what kind of a bad person I was - you know who you are - then I'd probably not be making a conscious effort to reform my attitude and behavior right now. So, thank you, many times over, to that friend, and all of my friends who have stayed with me through thick and thin.

So, why did I decide to pile all this on, on the brink of 2010?

I guess I just want a fresh start; this being another venting - I want to get all my past inhibitions off my shoulders. I saw Nort's journal and thought, "That's a good idea, does it really work?" and here we are. And it does indeed feel good to let it out.

So yeah, I'll say it again: Happy New Years, people!
Stay Sharp!

If you don't care to read, then don't. But if you do, I'd like your thoughts in a comment, even if you normally don't.

I do not need to really tell anyone that I likely have chronic depression. And yet I have a right-tracked mind that can think and speak for itself. I know I have a problem and that I want to fix it. I have a rough idea as to what's causing this problem and I ask people to bear with me in my angsty moments.

It's just, with what little empathy I'm sure I have left, or rather my common sense, I can tell that by the time a person sees me depressed around the third or fourth time, it just feels as though they're skeptical. Like their opinion of me is becoming that of "oh go cry you unfix-able emo kid." I can't say I have a good reason for having depressive bouts, but it does happen, and for various reasons. And it's not like I'm aware of them until I'm knee deep in the quicksand, where anything can happen.

Of course I also have a rather angry disposition I'd love to eliminate from my person; because, frankly, it just gets in the way of everything. My anger happens to get in the way of a lot of developments and it's just getting worse. It makes me lash out at the most mundane of things, justified or not. It's happened before and I almost lost a few of my good friends for it. I'm pretty damn sure I have a really, really low reputation because of various anger-enacted actions I've done before.

But what's funny, my anger only seems to come out to a few choice people, and never to others. Why is that? I want to know why that happens. Because to those it doesn't manifest to, they consider me an awesome friend, while I'm sure that those who've seen it see me as an insufferable prick - A huge contrast that can be eliminated if I just knew how to nip things in the bud.

Perhaps it wasn't clear before, but, y'know, I'm rather sensitive about all of this. Meaning you don't make fun of the very aspects of my personality that I intend to change! You know who you are, I'm talking to you. I don't want them brought to light, not because I'm running away from them, but it's because I'm aware they're there, I despise their presence as part of me, and I just want it gone, or at least suppressed. When someone makes fun of it, of all things, hell, I feel like I'm sucker punched. Maybe it's really a pussy thing to get angry over, but I can't help it. I just don't want people to be making fun of my problem aspects. Read, before there's misunderstanding - "problem aspects" being the aspects I said above that I'm trying to fix, not negative parts of me in general.

I bring a lot of this to DA's attention because, as I said in the title, it's venting. I don't exactly know how many of you will care, but I just want to get this out somehow and I don't feel like choosing a lucky person to dump this onto, like I normally do. I figure they get enough of my crap as it is, and y'know, enough is enough for them.

I've thought about going on a hiatus with my internet life just to get things straight and think about things. It might be the best thing, I'm not sure. I just know I can't currently come to the computer without expecting drama of some kind because of my own disposition that will invariably cause it. And I really hate myself for it.

I'm done now. Make of it what you will.

Life
Just some of the things that've gone on in my life since last update.
- Dumbass English Teacher. I'm sure a few of you had heard of my rants about this teacher, and now you at large get to hear about it, too. Basically she's someone so optimistic she farts rainbows and exhales nice-smelling bubbles. Absolutely innocent but WAY too opinionated and terrible at being a teacher and disciplinarian.
- School. Blah, taking up more of my time than you'd think. When I'm not working at school I'm unwinding at home. Of course, as you know, unwinding means I'm not really working on things I said I'd be working on. Which leads us to...


DA Plans
I haven't forgotten any of the plans I had promised for DA, so, let's run down on what I said I'd do, to refresh my memory as well as yours.
- New Beginnings. I've been doing this behind the scenes for the most part. New Beginnings was originally written as I made it up, but not anymore. I'm trying to figure out how to tie everything together, bring it to a satisfying resolution, then actually write it out.
- Mindless Zombies. Somewhat taken a backseat (in that I've not made ONE comic since Halloween. God I'm terrible.) I'll get to it as soon as things wear down a bit.
- Art in General. Not been terribly arty lately. Most of my energy is devoted to existing projects or to school. As such I'm a bit afraid to deviate at the moment - so yes, more Kit drawings for the time being. Maybe one day I'll make a perfect Kit drawing.

Other Things
Just the other things.
- Journals. Been meaning to make more regular journals so you guys can hear more of my senseless rambling. Maybe I'll interest one of you guys, I 'unno.
- Game Plans. I'm currently working on two games, making them, that is. Progress is slow, but as they say, slow and steady wins the race.
- Procrastination. Dude seriously will you learn to control your damn procrastination it's getting everywhere and you never finish things great God almighty.

That is all.

I find my tablet is a little more useful. I just started using Vista's built-in tablet flicks. They're kinda fun. Flick a pen one way, you've Copied something. Another, you Pasted it. One flick goes Back in your browser, another goes Forward, another scrolls up, another scrolls down. It's quite fun.

...But I've had the urge to say 'sakujo' at least once.


(Don't get it? Just ask.)

Now that you know that it is, you probably can't stop thinking about it. Unluckiness ahoy! Ain't I a stinker?

Now that I have that out of my system, 'tis a small update to my life. I haven't worked much on projects but that's due to me sorta taking it easy, at least compared to the stress I was dealing with last Thursday (not yesterday, Thursday before that).

I found this nifty program called Danmakufu. It's a bullet hell game but it's editable by means of scripts, like Garry's Mod for bullet hells, and I'm slowly learning the scripting language (I hear it's a helluva lot like C). I've made my first full character - Cirno the Ice Fairy , complete with a special attack. I'm rather proud, myself. I'll show screenshots perhaps if it's okay with DA.

I'll try to work on New Beginnings when I have time, though it might be slow since I don't have any reference to the previous chapter than what I have in my deviations gallery - two computers unexpectedly eating themselves up with the only backups unreadable by the outdated word processor on your laptop is really a bitch .